It all started out with the need to do some research on something I know nothing about. Sure, there are books - both fiction and nonfiction - but nothing was giving me what felt authentic at all.
And so I logged on to Fetlife. I created an account and got hopelessly lost and gave up. It's quite a scary place for a newbie, and even though I created an account because one of my friends, a fellow writer, had gone there to do her own research, it didn't make the place any less confusing and scary.
Fast forward six months later, and I'm still where I started with my book. I haven't done any research beyond fiction books I've read, mostly erotica, that left me wondering if those really do happen. Can a Dominant/Master have five slaves in one house? Is he made of billions to be able to rule over that many people? Don't they have regular jobs? What do they do all day while the Master is at the office? Are they honestly just training on how to sit, kneel, stand and do things? And play with each other? Who cooks?
Sure, it's fiction, but it's how my mind works. Besides, in my novel, there is no 24/7 D/s relationship going on. They're just starting out. Well, he's big D and she's vanilla. But is that even possible? Can such a thing last long-term?
And so started looking again, and perused many blogs (there are quite a few from many different perspectives and styles of writing) until I stumbled on a blog that answered more than enough of my questions. Unfortunately, it also left me with more questions of my own, and this time, they were more personal and also, out of curiosity. Much like a child asking you one question after another that starts with, "So, if this happens, what happens when this other thing happens?" or "Why is the sky blue?" followed by "Why?" and then another "Why?"
So I sent an email - the first time I've ever done such a thing. I usually limit it to comments but he'd disabled comments after two weeks, and his last post had been months ago, so there was no way I could leave one. I didn't even know if he was still blogginig, but if anything I wanted to thank him for such an insightful blog.
The next day, he answered. It's weird, but after reading most of his thoughts in his three-year-old blog, it felt like meeting an old friend again - even if we've never met. And he was open to more questions, and so I asked, only to find my questions triggering more than his answers.
It became a dynamic I both craved and feared - an opening, and then opening some more. It feels more like a yielding even though I don't understand what I'm yielding to exactly.
And now, two weeks later, I'm finding myself missing him, his thoughts and his words. And now, here I am writing this, confused.
